The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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