a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
