I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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