the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
