I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
