nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
