Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
