Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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