It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
