why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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