Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
