I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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