The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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