I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My life is pants optional.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
