I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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