dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
