is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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