you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
