On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
