i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I will pee on everything he values.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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