I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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