just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize