the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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