Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
