My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
