My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
