My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize