u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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