I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
