Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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