I'm jealous of your bromance
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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