I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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