fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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