I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Randomize
