I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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