I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
