this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
