i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
