i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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