If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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