my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
