Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
