I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize