your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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