I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
