u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
