Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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