My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
