that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
