In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
