Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
