Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
