Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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