When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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