Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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